When Amaya first asked me to do the walk as a family I said, "Ugh"
So far out of my comfort zone
So not ready even after 12+ years
But Royce and Amaya chipped away
With their increased closeness from last years walk
Shared memories that are theirs alone
I have three brothers
We rarely call each other just to chat
We are comfortable in the knowledge that we are there for each other
We move along in our lives
Coming together to celebrate milestones along the way
Then scattering back to the day-to-day
My dad was not big into idle chitchat
He was, however, into family
He would watch the chaos
Chime in from time to time
Discuss art, music, history, anything
Or just sit
Silent
Observing
Marrying into this family comes with a price
We have a gene that means...
We don't always communicate
We feel comfortable sitting
Silent
Listening
Observing
It doesn't mean not caring
It doesn't mean not interested
It just is
It is difficult to change patterns
To compliment
To praise
To discuss rather than decide
To ask for assistance
To accept help
To realize that it is okay not to be in control
Not to be perfect
This past six month have been tough
A lot of buried memories have surfaced
There were a lot of questions, some for which I had answers and some that I never will
It made look at where I was, where I am, and where I want to be
So Saturday, June 9th, we walked
Amaya, Royce, Taylor, Jessica, Melissa, Mari, and I
In my head the plan (there must always be a plan) was:
Arrive at 6
Start walking at 7
4 miles/hour
Finish at midnight
Home by 2
Done
Get back to normal
Not so much
It was more than that
It was being in a sea of people that in some way, shape or form knew first hand what you had been through
It was seeing the immense amount of support that flowed from one group to another
People that you had never met and would most likely never see again but shared a bond with forever
It was knowing by seeing the colors of the beads they wore around their neck who they had lost
And surprisingly it wasn't grim
Maybe it was the adrenalin
Maybe it was keeping track of my "peeps"
Acting as "momma bear" as Melissa called it
Maybe it was Amaya constantly yapping at me to watch where I was walking
I didn't fall and break anything, which seemed to be a big concern of the kids
The weather was picture perfect
Walkers and bystanders were friendly
There was a sense of camaraderie
Of helping everyone complete their walk
Royce pushing a woman in a wheel chair up a hill (big BIG hill) until he ran out of steam and another walker took over
Taylor doing her power walk at 3 am
Pictures at the mile markers
Sometimes we walked in a pack
Sometimes we were more spread out
Each in our own little space trying to make sense of it
What it meant to each of us
And who we were walking for
Walk
No you can NOT have a 20 minute rest
Walk
Really
Walk
Do you want to get into the sweep van
No
Then walk
I do sleep deprivation well
I do focus well
I do not do whining well at all
I apologize to any and all that I snapped at
The ride home was very quiet
Except the part where we almost got taken out by a red zoom zoom car cutting
across 4 lanes of traffic
I think Walter heard words he had never heard before strung together in a way that was creative to say the least
Again, I apologize
Pain relief soup
2 Tylenol
1 Advil
1 Aleve
Follow with 2 Tylenol and 1 Aleve 6 hours later
NOT a recommendation, but no sore muscles or blisters
I would like to say that seeing all the friends and family at the house was more than I could have ever imagined
The melding of so many people from so many different stages of our lives was truly remarkable
I think Richard would have been pleased
That friends and family are are reconnecting
That we are all, in some way, getting a degree of closure
I am now trying to get back to normal
Normal was changed by the walk
It's been like taking a pickle out of a new jar of pickles and then wanting to put it back in
Nearly impossible and messy
So I am moving forward
Slowly
And as always, trying to control the mess
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